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About Literature / Student Member Jennifer18/Female/Canada Recent Activity
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I've been holding these failures
between my teeth like bobby pins,
waiting for this
emptiness
to corrode my teeth
into something
pliers can fix

And my silence has been
the scent of the dentist's office
and busy public bathrooms
and I haven't slept in weeks.

I write your name
in candle wax and
set it on fire
but I'm growing tired
of all this burning,
especially the campfire
you're building atop
my rib cage

I am not a resource
but I ought to be
something more
than this.
Ashes
A fictional piece, kind of about loss, and kind of about the horror that is dentistry. Enjoy.
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I want to start off by saying that I really appreciate the notion behind this, that you mentioned in your description. You managed to address a very troubling issue head on and with a first-person perspective that brings readers to the heart of the problem. For that, I rated your Deviations' vision with 5 stars.

Originality was rated similarly high because of your style and unique descriptions, such as "Dishevelled hair forms a fuzzy halo...an angel who's risen from the fiery depths below." (This beautiful writing style also gave you points for technique!) I love the detail of the disturbing laughter as well, which really adds to the originality as well a bringing attention to the character's precarious mental state. The phrase "Depression is flaunted across the media daily as if it was a new, must have accessory" also really gets to me. Overall, your haunting descriptions of a real disease, and pointing out the flaws in society's construction of depression as such, make this piece very gripping and original.

I rated this piece at 4 stars for technique, because although I loved many of your poetic descriptions and overall style, I felt there was some room left for grammatical improvement. Some small errors I noticed were "dishevelled" (should be disheveled) and "forgot touch", which should perhaps be "forgotten touch". Since these small mistakes don't really take away from the overall impact of the piece, they didn't lower your rating for technique dramatically. You also have some sentences that seem a bit too long, making them awkward, an example of which is, "I wonder how my skin...hiding in my brain." This sentence is important, as it develops the reader's understanding of the character, and her negative feelings about herself. However, the lack of punctuation and the sentence length make it hard to grasp the concept. Perhaps shortening this and similar sentences, as well as adding punctuation, would give your writing better readability. Most of your writing in this piece, though, has a great variety of sentence lengths, and I wanted to point out that this definitely adds to the impact, especially the short last sentence, "I just want silence." The variation between longer poetic phrases and shorter fragments is an excellent part of this piece.

Your great success in turning a troubling societal problem into a lovable yet disturbingly beautiful character gives this piece huge impact and amazing originality. Keep writing!<3
The radioactive stars
broke
across the paper-thin sky,
leaving gashes
that bled starlight
into the dark and
I couldn't help but think

“This is what war sounds like.”

This is the sound
of a shot through the head
in the ghettos last week,
and this is the lights
spreading as a star
ruptures
across the depths of infinity,

This is life and
death
in a vibrant arc
of shimmering chemicals;
so please enjoy the view but
do not touch,
the beauty is too great
for those who are
selfish enough to fear
the infinity after explosion.
I hadn't written anything personal in a very long time before tonight, and then I just sort of got this urge, and wrote what I was thinking and sort of figured out my life. It made me feel better, so maybe it'll make you feel better too. I've copied it word for word here.

"I miss just writing for the sake of writing, you know? I used to just do it because it felt better--life felt better and more manageable--when I did it. And after so long of just writing to take notes, writing another boring English essay--writing because I had to--I just don't feel the passion for recording my thoughts that I used to have. And maybe it's 'cause I've been through some things this year that made me not even want to think about my life and how I feel about it, but also because I feel threatened and scared by the fact that this is either going to become what I dedicate my life to, or fall into the background. I don't know what I want and everything worth writing about has already been explored to the nth degree and even if I write something new and original it's not really either of those, it's just the product of all the regular things I've thought and done that have been thought and done a million times, the product of everyone I've met and all the lessons I've learned, none of which are by any means new or extraordinary. 

So how am I supposed to be unique and fresh when I am the product of stars that died billions of years ago and we are all so old and worn down and uninteresting, how am I supposed to be beautiful or make anything worth remembering when we are all the same cast as 200 years ago and 200 years before that, just picking different fights for all the same wrong reasons? I am so sad and even my sadness does not belong to me. 

Cause the thing is that more than anything else I want to just share how I think being human feels and how similar and sad we all are and why we're like that and all the things that make us US but my question is if it's more important to record it or live it 'cause I'm not quite sure I know how to do both. And the more I'm writing about this the clearer it is to me that what I really want is to give people some hope in the darkness of our unending fight because I know we are all so tired of trying so hard and still feeling unextraordinary because we all so, so deserve to feel more majestic than any deep sea creature or cosmic dust; we are the universe experiencing itself and I know that nothing is more important to me than reminding everyone how beautiful this life is outside of the hellhole we've called "society". We are so lucky to be alive and we are brought into the world and fed the notion that we are all the same and will do the same things until we die but I am not even a copy of myself three minutes ago, my skin is changing and falling off and I am emerging anew any and every time I feel like it and you cannot stop me, you cannot stop me."
  • Mood: Zeal
  • Listening to: Belle and Sebastian - Lord Anthony
  • Reading: Brave New World
  • Drinking: Arizona
I hadn't written anything personal in a very long time before tonight, and then I just sort of got this urge, and wrote what I was thinking and sort of figured out my life. It made me feel better, so maybe it'll make you feel better too. I've copied it word for word here.

"I miss just writing for the sake of writing, you know? I used to just do it because it felt better--life felt better and more manageable--when I did it. And after so long of just writing to take notes, writing another boring English essay--writing because I had to--I just don't feel the passion for recording my thoughts that I used to have. And maybe it's 'cause I've been through some things this year that made me not even want to think about my life and how I feel about it, but also because I feel threatened and scared by the fact that this is either going to become what I dedicate my life to, or fall into the background. I don't know what I want and everything worth writing about has already been explored to the nth degree and even if I write something new and original it's not really either of those, it's just the product of all the regular things I've thought and done that have been thought and done a million times, the product of everyone I've met and all the lessons I've learned, none of which are by any means new or extraordinary. 

So how am I supposed to be unique and fresh when I am the product of stars that died billions of years ago and we are all so old and worn down and uninteresting, how am I supposed to be beautiful or make anything worth remembering when we are all the same cast as 200 years ago and 200 years before that, just picking different fights for all the same wrong reasons? I am so sad and even my sadness does not belong to me. 

Cause the thing is that more than anything else I want to just share how I think being human feels and how similar and sad we all are and why we're like that and all the things that make us US but my question is if it's more important to record it or live it 'cause I'm not quite sure I know how to do both. And the more I'm writing about this the clearer it is to me that what I really want is to give people some hope in the darkness of our unending fight because I know we are all so tired of trying so hard and still feeling unextraordinary because we all so, so deserve to feel more majestic than any deep sea creature or cosmic dust; we are the universe experiencing itself and I know that nothing is more important to me than reminding everyone how beautiful this life is outside of the hellhole we've called "society". We are so lucky to be alive and we are brought into the world and fed the notion that we are all the same and will do the same things until we die but I am not even a copy of myself three minutes ago, my skin is changing and falling off and I am emerging anew any and every time I feel like it and you cannot stop me, you cannot stop me."
  • Mood: Zeal
  • Listening to: Belle and Sebastian - Lord Anthony
  • Reading: Brave New World
  • Drinking: Arizona

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WhisperedInsanity
Jennifer
Artist | Student | Literature
Canada
Aspiring author attempting to capture the human experience.
IB Graduate.
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Student Writer
:love: Thanks for the deviantwatch! :iconattackglompplz: I adore your work, so it really means a lot to me ><
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:iconblackbowfin:
BlackBowfin Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello Jennifer.  Thanks so much for the fave on Falling Back into Place.  It's very much appreciated.  Have a great one! :)
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:iconseamlessmaiden:
SeamlessMaiden Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the watch and the fave, darling! <3
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:iconwhisperedinsanity:
WhisperedInsanity Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for the same!<33 I hope you have an amazing day :happybounce: 
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:iconseamlessmaiden:
SeamlessMaiden Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome! <3 And you as well (:
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:iconarhiee:
arhiee Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav! >u< :heart:
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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the faves <3
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Student Writer
:iconrainbowbummiecakeplz: Happy Birthday!
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:iconwhisperedinsanity:
WhisperedInsanity Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Student Writer
OMG ITS RAINBOW. And thank youuu<33
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Student Writer
=D You're welcome~
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