I hadn't written anything personal in a very long time before tonight, and then I just sort of got this urge, and wrote what I was thinking and sort of figured out my life. It made me feel better, so maybe it'll make you feel better too. I've copied it word for word here.
"I miss just writing for the sake of writing, you know? I used to just do it because it felt better--life felt better and more manageable--when I did it. And after so long of just writing to take notes, writing another boring English essay--writing because I had to--I just don't feel the passion for recording my thoughts that I used to have. And maybe it's 'cause I've been through some things this year that made me not even want to think about my life and how I feel about it, but also because I feel threatened and scared by the fact that this is either going to become what I dedicate my life to, or fall into the background. I don't know what I want and everything worth writing about has already been explored to the nth degree and even if I write something new and original it's not really either of those, it's just the product of all the regular things I've thought and done that have been thought and done a million times, the product of everyone I've met and all the lessons I've learned, none of which are by any means new or extraordinary.
So how am I supposed to be unique and fresh when I am the product of stars that died billions of years ago and we are all so old and worn down and uninteresting, how am I supposed to be beautiful or make anything worth remembering when we are all the same cast as 200 years ago and 200 years before that, just picking different fights for all the same wrong reasons? I am so sad and even my sadness does not belong to me.
Cause the thing is that more than anything else I want to just share how I think being human feels and how similar and sad we all are and why we're like that and all the things that make us US but my question is if it's more important to record it or live it 'cause I'm not quite sure I know how to do both. And the more I'm writing about this the clearer it is to me that what I really want is to give people some hope in the darkness of our unending fight because I know we are all so tired of trying so hard and still feeling unextraordinary because we all so, so deserve to feel more majestic than any deep sea creature or cosmic dust; we are the universe experiencing itself and I know that nothing is more important to me than reminding everyone how beautiful this life is outside of the hellhole we've called "society". We are so lucky to be alive and we are brought into the world and fed the notion that we are all the same and will do the same things until we die but I am not even a copy of myself three minutes ago, my skin is changing and falling off and I am emerging anew any and every time I feel like it and you cannot stop me, you cannot stop me."
Listening to: Belle and Sebastian - Lord Anthony
Reading: Brave New World