"We accept the love we think we deserve."
And you don't believe you deserve any of it. You push yourself into pain and that's fine, that's fine, I have no pity for a girl who can't set her own world on fire. Because I carve my soul from it, I play with matches to stay alive and that is my insanity, a refusal to stop fighting for the things that keep me running, keep me fighting. I do not back down, from the important things, easily.
But you know, what drives me crazy is that I simultaneously think you're dumb for not wanting someone who is as committed as me, think you should be with me and not her, and just don't even care at all.
But mostly, I've been thinking about what this means for my life. When I felt the worst about all this, I was drowning in the concept of loss, in losing a person who was really what I wanted my future to be. Because you were never here, you tainted everything, because I thought of you everywhere, imagined a life with you everywhere. Over four years, the memories build up. But then I remembered the crushes I had in elementary and junior high school. I remembered the rejections I faced and how I dealt with them, and I remembered that I wasn't really that sad. I hadn't really expected it to work out, to last forever or even for the guy to like me back. I distinctly remember the first time I asked a boy out, in sixth grade. He said no. And I remember dancing away like it was Christmas, because I had asked, I had asked!
And I think that's how we should deal with loss and rejection, especially in relationships. We should recognize them as an experience. Who needs to find a life partner, especially when we're young? I know I personally get lost in the idea of being with someone, and forget that it's unnecessary. But really, what are relationships at this age but a chance to experience new things, to have new accomplishments and to better understand and bond with other people?
I learned way more than I ever could have, and I've grown as a person because of it. And that's all relationships are for, to help each other grow. You weren't there for me, and that's that. But I got what I could out of it, and I'm happy for that. I'm happy we happened, and now I get to experience different things.
So yeah, if you guys ever get sad or lonely or feel horribly depressed because you lost someone or because you feel like you want a relationship, remember 12 year old me with my day 200% made even though I was rejected. Love you all.<3