I've been having a tough last few weeks. Not for any real reason in particular, except that a lot of scary things are happening and everyone feels farther away than I'd like them to be but I'm also very easily smothered, so everyone's getting pushed away and it is my fault, but it's also hard and scary and I'm in my final year of high school and everything is so different than I thought and I just don't know what to do with any of it.
This may very quickly turn into a rant of sorts, in which case, I'm sorry.
There are people that I loved, one person in particular, who are pretty much entirely gone now. People I never thought I would ever lose. And that's hard to grapple with, because when you're young and naive you believe that the people who say they'll stay, will stay. The people who say they care, do care. But sometimes, they don't. And that's what my first major relationship was like, and it sucks and while I want something different and better and simpler I'm scared that maybe it doesn't exist. I'm realizing how truly alone we are, how if I were to just stay locked in my room for the next 50 years, I would be utterly alone. And I guess that scares me more than anything else, the idea that if you don't push yourself to go out there and invest your time and effort in people, you will be alone. Being alone doesn't bother me, but loneliness is unbearable.
But I've also been realizing that we are truly able to create ourselves. By this age (turning 18 in a week), my life is very much becoming what I decide that it will be. I got accepted into the university I wanted, and I'm majoring in English in the fall and I have no idea in the world where that is going to go and I know that it doesn't have many open career options but I know that, at least right now, that is what matters to me, and I am chasing it. The only thing that scares me about that is that my experiences in my friendships and relationships have taught me that it doesn't really matter how badly you want something. You can want that 90% average, or to have that novel published, more than anyone else in the world, but someone who is just better at school or better at writing can take it easily, without the effort, and without the passion. You can care about someone with all your heart and it won't make them stay. And while writing fuels me and I love it more than anything else, I'm worried that I don't have the technique and skill required to succeed in such a competitive field.
(But I'm still crazy excited about that uni acceptance, I really didn't think I would get accepted!)
Grad is coming up soon, and IB exams are in May, and I'm really not sure if I will survive that intact, but I'm going to do my very best. Good things are happening. And maybe if things I'd wanted so badly would have happened, I wouldn't have gotten these good things that matter so much to me. While I'm scared and anxious and a bit lonely, hopefully this is what it takes to grow into who you want to be.
And this is why I do journals, it always makes me feel better.
Thanks for reading, guys. I hope you're all doing well.